Fuck shame

Enjoying joy

The bitching that goes down in the bathroom.

You know of what I speak. You are either in Junior High or in the shared dormitory lavatory, perhaps at a bridal shower, or spa? Oh, what about last week? At drinks when you met a pal catching their selves, as you were yourself, in the mirror by the entrance or the exit on the wait in line for , yes yet again, the water closet, and one of the other of you said first, in the notice and hiccup of being noticed that they (or you) have been or are caught checking in on a critique of the person in reflect. (One more, and this is the point I am getting to, I promise.) It is “that time” when you have done “that thing” that perhaps you and, maybe, your coach have gone around and around for weeks before this very day when you are having that sit down with that supervisor that YOU asked for about that thing that is keeping you up at night and very much in the air in every moment of every 8 to 10 hour day you spend in that place that all of a sudden started beating you down in ways no one is even talking about and –

In all those moments, no matter what goes down, you leave feeling a kind of way that is far from very good and very close to shit. That we shall call shame and to that gift of defining I shall offer you yet another – blame.

Blame, justly so in all the above and numerous more you know, I recall and hear in session after session day after glorious day here at Simplicity Do Your Dream, pointed towards whom? THE OTHER PERSON.

That is right, it is their fault you are feeling confused and less than you began or certain you made a mistake or misunderstood OR worst of all, are best to “do better” next time. That is bullshit, OK? Let us term the myriad of emotional takeaways so above described when exiting such an interaction – as falling into the bucket of shame. Shame, here in this discourse there shall be where the umbrella of experience that has us thinking we need to do more or did something wrong when, earlier that very day, we knew the opposite as truth.

Shame is a kind of hot potato of sorts, something that the person – say a boss – is holding and so passing on to you.

Think of it his way, they know they’ve done wrong. They may have the company’s best interest in mind, but they know well that in the pursuit of those associated ideologies there are results that, as they choose their approach, are ass backwards and fucking, not kindly, more than a few folx. So yeah, here you are calling it and, so, several things that manager type person does not want to see nor hear is happening.

1)    They are fucking up.

2)    They are afraid of their own bosses and don’t have the kind of courage you are demonstrating to ask for what they want on their own behalf

3)    They are overworked, unhappy at the job, too, or at home or in themselves or in general

4)    Yup, they lied

5)    They actually don’t have the power to help to show you that or give you access to such a person, as that would undermine both the power dynamic betwixt you and their own professional (and likely, personal) sense of importance (a/k/a pride)

There are many more reasons that a lashing out (the thing that we shall get to as the cause of shame within you, dear and done-wrong reader) occurs, but what is important is what it looks like. Yeah, it can be yelling. Yelling is the most clearly identifiable means of lashing out.

But that happens none too often, does it? No, it does not. Nope, it comes from something equally exciting, like said supervisor crying. The way one crumbles to better sell anger and defensiveness and, you got it, immaturity, as some sort of demonstrative story about how the ill is being acted upon the crier or that you are the antagonist. Crying is cool. Very cool. I cry a lot. We all need a good sob and I say, don’t shy away. Cry. Cry at work, but don’t NOT BE PRESENT. You can be a boss, you can have a dialogue, you can even ask for a moment – and all the while be SOBBING.

One of the pillars of leadership is the ability to be earnest in act and emotion. And TRUE emotional organizational safety is when we make emotions what they are, as expressions and as they arise, either making space for them to ripple through and bring greater clarity and context or call them as expressions of the importance of what is happening (IN REALITY) instead of as a means to escape. 

Less bombastic is for our defensive leader in short pants to hit you back with a telling of history they speak of as if you two shared it, and yet, you do not. A kind of Creative Nonfiction that takes a lot of liberty stated with enough certainty that hopes that it shall be believed so noted as truth. (They might nod as they speak and maintain soft eye contact that demarcates the absence of stress. Misuse adjectives but saying things like ‘ownership’ when what they mean is ‘speed’ or “production” or “values”.  Or even straight up tell you how things were for you, a/k/a ‘you knew’.)  Fuck that noise. You were there and you knew very well what occurred or were told or whatnot, and that is exactly why you talked to your coach over and over and figured out how to get your ass in this conversation, perhaps request it, even. But here they be with their title and salary and their expounding word vomit and inaccurate and made-up recollections and there you are with you fear of unemployment and responsibilities and budget and future on your mind, as well as the justice of your anger, and … Haven’t they been at this longer? Or did not they go to a better school? Or they are in good with the COO? Or whatever????

So, yes, you feel uncertain but sure enough you are likely doing ‘that thing’ you always do. And, sure you are hurt and angry but that is because of your fuck up or inexperience or habit or ineptitude or (the wonkiest) lack of communication or comprehension. Nope.

What you are is RIGHT. (I say this with great and truthful conviction despite that I may not know specifics of some of your exact experience or experiences.) I don’t for many of those of you. You were right before the meeting started and you are right now. You were shamed.

Gaslit is too weak of word. Not inaccurate, but not at all powerful enough.

Trusting oneself is not something you can ‘try’ to learn by hope and will alone. Instead, trust comes in stages via practice and, yes, likely at first, in an arbitrary and active manner. Reminders to yourself and by seeking support and persons whom you trust, that don’t shame you, and respect for both who you are as well as the choices you make and action your take. Those folx trust you as you do them, and thereby may be firey beacons toward the righteousness of your own infinite conscious.

I have a good deal of philosophies as a coach, but one of the hugest is that my clients know themselves and their aims best, their histories, too. What they may not be is acting upon them or even aware that those goodies are in there. My job is to be a sage to those goals, and detective to that truth and talent. From there I, and we, can create a legacy of self-credibility and discipline around the practice and route towards doing and living that.

So, whether we know each other or don’t – please, dammit, if you feel wrong as to your right, ‘they’ are wrong and you are true, and, yup, you do need to find a new gig and, likely, soon.