No One Loves a Nuisance: A winner’s guide to Networking
It goes like this, don’t say anything if you don’t have anything to say.
Only creepsters contact pals with an open ended, wishy washy want. (Well, creepsters and my Dad - for a man whose entire career is built upon social finesse, he is the lamest connector. Ok, lie. He is great at the “reach out” when there is no agenda. However, if there IS an aim, it is stomach turning, truly.)
Let us learn from my Father, shall we? He, like you, is a good listener. Well-educated. Handsome, and a diva on the dance floor. (That is 100% true. My Pa can cut a rug like nobody’s fucking business. Not because of talent, though he has that in strides, but more because of will and want- more on this later … ) He has multiple grad degrees, is an excellent speller with penmanship just bad enough to make him interesting. Where he lacks however, is in obtuse generosity. Heart of a Lion in every way.
You got a party planned? Dad is your dude. Recommendation to be written? Drop a line! Lunch date, travel buddy, or theatre date - we are already getting out our day planners.
At his retirement party from an esteemed station at a remarkably notable University, sure it was an impressive showing of accolades, but also a bit eye rolling. I have long known my father’s charm chops. I mean, fuck, did I not learn from the best?! Get in line, Bitches!
Bored yet?! Stay with me … The Mr Nice Knight has a few chinks in his armor, however. Chiefly, and most pertinent to Networking Knowhow - is this:
When he wants something - i.e. necessitates something - he does what you likely do, too - he “checks in”.
Yes, that is a crime, and let me tell you why -because just nudging, reminding, asking, poking is not the way Americans are to make friends. Respect is about the tête-a-tête of the want with a heavy dose of the walk away. Need is ugly - sorry if that does not hit a happy political cord.
Think a bad comic or a tired addict stripper - each leaning too far over the stage with a hyper-focused, uncentered gaze that says “Gimme”.
And the audience says - “Get away! Icky poo!”
One more moment on Dad, and we are done . (Have mercy!)
A signature text goes like this: Hey Kiddo
Ugh … Hey?!
You tell me, am I being an obtuse adolescent? I have the answer - I am not. I am being realistic. The “what do you want” aspect comes to mind, and the truth comes out that “Hey” means You have not called me lately and I need your attention because I am retired, in a ho hum marriage, and bored. I have no emotional boundaries and overly rely on you for my definition of self.
Back to the professional palate - you do an interview or send over that sassy CV, to a, God forbid, post you actually want, and you wait. Longer than you want. Shorter than you told yourself you would. No word. Bank account is getting weirdly low. Friends are happy with their lives. You can’t pay to get your eyebrows done. So you “check in”….
Have some fucking empathy - what is that email likely to GET. It is annoying. It assumes the receiver is as idle as you are. You know what?! That dude in HR has a fucking job - maybe even one he likes. So no, he is not drifting off on telling you the next steps. Likely he is working on something else more presently pressing. Because, guess what, there is more than one thing going on in his day?!
Sell it, bitches. If you can’t share anything -be it a development on your end re training, logistics, or terms; an accolade not reviewed at the interview or represented in your deck; a personal connection or some other human relation home base - make something up or wait.
Don’t be a creepster - in case that passed you by from paragraph #1!
Speaking reiteration - let us go back to will - will is the cousin of positive assumption. See, another Dad takeaway is the advantage of traveling and acting as if everyone likes you and it is going to be well. Whatever happens you are best, just like the outcome.
Since we all are friends, you have not heard back for a good - even bigger picture beyond prediction - reason. It is called faith. It is called naive. It is healthy and rather quite successful.
Options:
Move on
Call out the awkwardness and unmask the desire for closer
No matter what you do, DO NOT use the phrase “next steps”
