I love that you are afraid
The shimmerings of success
Fear doesn’t visit those that don’t care.
There are a series of ‘popular’ turns of phrase I despise. I am sure you too share a series of loathed verbal catchalls. Maybe you find them annoying? Perhaps you find them inaccurate? Dismissive? Simple? Stupid?
Regardless, you get it. We share an understanding of annoyance here, yes. Great!
Before I share what particular verbiage gets under my skin, I wish to preface my discontent by saying that I think the experience the words seek to describe is real. Very real and worth honor and grace, space and concern; however, both the frequency with which the term is applied and how the discourse frequently stops there - that is a shame I cannot tolerate.
Much tension. Much lead up. Much contextualizing and here we go…
Imposter Syndrome
Jesus God, Imposter Syndrome. OK, I am not going to the Urban Dictionary to look this up. I prefer to go ‘gloves off’ and assume we both know what I am referring to, as I am not an etymologist. Etymology is a cool area of study, one I know little about, but (from what little I do know) think is cool. I am a reader and listener and a person very much bothered by what these words: “Imposter Syndrome” [mean?].
Why? Well - I related to it.
I relate to feeling that feeling that one is faulty in some deep way that might not be visible on the onset, but one knows on the inside they are. And that chink, it is deep, so deep that try as you might, there is truly no way you can cover it up for very long. Just give a lover, friend, or employer long enough and RIP the stitches pop out and there it is, across your chest: a gaping well of inadequacy and shame.
Last week, I didn’t hear much from my best friend. Like many, we text throughout the week - grievances, wins, quandaries, the makings or breakings of plans - all not so odd. That said, we are not “good morning’ or `sleep tight’ pals, but we do go on a bit once we get a few hot sentences and exchange ideas in. Not last week though. For several days, in fact.
Well, I got worried. The last time we’d gotten together, I was kind of a wreck. I’d had a harrowing visit from my family that brought up a lot of stuff, and I wasn’t handling all that very well. We met up. I asked her about her, but quickly took off, dumping my garage. She had just started an exciting professional commitment, was deep in epic domestic projects, and had some (unfair!) challenges in other areas of her work world. The meetup started by me doing what is right - asking how she is doing on all those fronts and anything else that might be in her heart and head. I think I let her get out about two sentences before overtaking our excursion with my woes, whines, crisscrossing emotions, run on thoughts, and constant self-interruptions. She was, as always, perfect. She did all the things that that good (great!) friends do. She listened. She inquired. She nodded and empathized and dammit if I was not well cared for, but, of course, I’d have none of it. Oh no. I was set to shoot myself out on an island of self-focused woe that no one, no one was welcome to visit. I was set upon isolation and committed to being unloved, there was truly no place for anyone in my ill feelings, for I was NOT talking to this dear, beloved, kind person, but at them. Guess what?! It got even MORE fun - After, finally, wearing myself out, I garbled something about needing to go.
Like what kind of bullshit is that?! Is this the prize one gets for loving me? Well, apparently it was that day. And look, as terrible as I am - shit like that happens, when we love people, we give them breath to act kind of wack, we keep an eye to what that means, but we roll with it. We roll with the high and the ick moments of those that we love, for their highs are elevated enough to allow their off days to never make it upon their personal records. Being conscious of the dynamic there, as well as having essential communication, is paramount, of course as so is patience. Add to that I know well my ‘behavior’ is not truly so terrible. Like a blemish, I am epically more conscious of its unattractiveness than others.
However, as the days went on, the guilt crept in.
Why? Well, relevant here, is “imposter syndrome”.
I am not so great with intimate personal relationships, I feel in my heart that I don’t feel ‘closeness” or “emotions” as much as others, that my history, habits, appearance, interests, approaches, conditions, boundaries are too much, not enough, limited, excessive and so forth. I don’t feel as if I am very good at being loved nor loving. That if anyone knows me long enough, deeply enough, they will see that beyond the trimmings there is just a big empty box.
Embarrassment and regret of action, with a day or two of not talking had me CONVINCED it was over. My pal had moved on. I’d been axed. I’d been found out as being the bargain basement robot I am.
But here is the thing - that is not a ‘syndrome’ per say. (Unless humanity is. Well OK, I get that argument too, but you see where I’m going… yeah?) The very same self-reflection, awareness, and insight that makes us wonder if we are good enough to be good enough at the things we want to do that are good - THAT is a demonstration of us caring! Us giving a shit about the things we are doing and spending our time on. No one feels like an imposter at a thing they don’t give a shit at, i.e.: we WANT to be good because we care.
Back to me (as if we ever left!): what I did more wrong in the above instance, even worse than being messy and damage bossy at the hangout, was not telling my friend how I felt and acknowledging less than awesome behavior. Thus, may we, or so I hope, share right now a moment of validation as well as a bit of better-next-time take away. I can, and shall do my damnedest, to reflect and connect to openly own my self-reflection and inquire what the experience was like for the other person, i.e.: check in. Share the experience of struggle, be in community, and sit patiently as those we trust serve as a mirror of our interpretation of behavior, performance, and whatnot.
If you are afraid you aren’t good enough, the cool thing that fear shows is that you want to be. How cool is that?! I say we should not seek to lose that desire to perform as highly as the task deserves, but rather may it inspire us to check-in in loving ways with loving persons who can help us move forward in happier, more informed ways.
