I'm a really good friend.
Like really, really good.
And likely you are, too.
We could go down the yellow bricks of the wonderful world of inner child whatnot. But I’d prefer not to. Those discussions can be had elsewhere with others more patient for that line of thinking. However, I will mention that it is not unusual for persons/adults/you/me/us to have complex and, frequently, self-doubtful relationships with and understanding of ourselves as friends.
Like acne, the confusions we have with our pals, individually and collectively, and us as friends don’t disappear with age. As hinted above, there are numerous reasons for all that. However, what we’ll talk about here is the one that, for my part, is super interesting and fun to think over - what our identities are as friends. And, as we do, I want to invite in how that is specific to right now in our lives, vs previous times, et al.
Think about it this way - today, your life (work, romantic whatnot, domestic life, financial jazz, familial relationships and responsibilities, hobbies, interests and likes, and all the other stuff) is different. It has changed. It continues to change. Same with those of our friends, those very pals we met, sometimes, in the before-time and in certain circumstances that may no longer apply or exist. (Think: school, a past job and/or city, etc.). Go further with me here - the bounds and boundaries we mapped in the beginning may well be (i.e., likely are) a lot different now.
Our identities, and those of our pals, have changed and changed again. We have more or less or different access and agency over our time, funds, attention, again: this has all changed for our pals as well. This is where we come to that touted sentiment as to how relationships are to ‘grow’. We all know what I’m referring to, yeah? Ok, thanks, and question: How do you feel about that idea?
Oh, you want to know how I feel about it?! Shoot, gee, thanks and most happy to share, so glad you asked …
I think it’s a misleading concept which assumes/presumes that each relationship is supposed to like “go” somewhere and if and as they extend through time that is a good thing, something we should strive for. That, see that, I have an issue with.
Longevity, just like perfect attendance, is no mark of success - not anyway you shake it. The ruler is truly not an appropriate unit of measurement here. All we can hope is that as we walk together the stroll is a happy one.
Now, some persons and relationships have metabolisms and access to greater or lesser abilities to being flexible, to expand, to (and this is critical to this entire discourse) suffer change. So super functional, fun, nurturing, and enjoyable relationships, of various levels of intimacy and intensity have various levels of longevity and can be all super positive. Friendships arise, they flourish, and they fall. Ideally all the elements of said life cycle are generally manageable, with not too much drama to report. That is a natural thing. We can say we “evolve” or that we “outgrow” them or whatever, but I propose that thinking of friendships as various levels of lesser or higher education is all too convenient. We need, instead, a more humanistic rubric to work with.
Rather, they just are. Open. Close. Expand. Contract. Over and over with various different people who are, or with whom we are, able or unable to tolerate change, of life, of association, or allegiance. These, my friends, are facts. Hard, unapologetic facts. And, like I like to do with loving information, the last person I offer said acceptance and affectionate news to is myself.
It is my personal inclination to completely negate my own deft observations and understanding of humans if doing so means I might have an easier and more compassionate experience in life. With friendships, I frequently fixate on the duration and singularity. I often feel lesser, like a failure, a slug, as if I am deepening something or am something deeply wrong or off because, well, I feel like my resume shows too many short-term changes and my next pal will read that as funny (like not ‘ha ha’ so, but in the eyebrow raising way.)
That rubric, however, can we all agree is completely off? It is what they call ‘fantasy thinking’. ‘Fantasy thinking’ does a lot of things, but a BIG one is that it negates our experience of reality as we run towards some made up possibility based on nothing and, in many cases, practiced by no one. In short - give it up!
Whether or not any of those lands as relatable with you, I understand it well may not. However, allow the concept and share to be somewhat more global and think of how the habit of rigid assumption of so-called success in whatever realm you feel has you particularly hung up could be doing you ill. Is that job-title, real estate ownership, kiddos, romantic partnerships - all and any and/or more? (Note: I did not mention salary, because who the fuck is anyone else to say to anyone else about what they should or should not be earning, like salary is life bitches.) Well, if as you - can drop it; or at least invite the idea in. What can help is paying attention to what, you know, is actually happening. Like - for instance - how I am, in reality, a very good friend.
Xo
Tracy Michele
