We will not meet.

Beyond the non-agreement.

It begins with intimacy.

And so, I start with a failure. A nice buffer to being a dud on the connection front is a talent I do possess: trust. I trust and trust my trust. Being ‘screwed’ I fear not. Finding myself wronged or short, left, and lonely – no big deal. I actually never even think about it, nor am I fully aware of the probability of advantage-taking.

Even writing that feels odd, a little stupid, and highly naïve and good cause for the question: why bring this up?

Baggage is the answer. Ending this most recent week, I carry it “home” into the weekend. That happens now and again, more so when a certain theme comes up with several clients and other professional encounters all at once. Relationships – in personal and professional unions, with staff and hiring, between supervisors and supervisees, consultants and creatives with patrons and clients/customers, parents and children, and so on. All those whom we connect with, are connected to, those kinds of folx. Each nuanced, yet the type of experience very shared.

What in particular has come across the ticker tape in sessions this week, and something too that I am feeling in my own tiny world, are the topics of disagreement and expectations.

Take for instance the giving of advice, a remark of correction, the bravery to refine the logistics of a relationship, or a reaction to something said in the moment that lands as both confronting and clarifying as to where each/either party stands – and that no longer looks to be a good thing. These moments are many times the cause of what can be said as a break. Break up. Break away. Break from.

Here is what I think: that is a great thing for any relationship, mostly that of one with one’s self. Rather than break any confidentiality – I’ll share something from my own recent experience to best and better contextualize what I am talking about. All I ask is for you to be patient with yet another look into the life of your dear author: Tracy Michele Bullock.

Here we go:

I don’t always agree with my clients, ethically in practice, habit, nor action. There are degrees of this, for sure. And I have very clear stop-loss topics and outlooks, but between those ‘Hell no’ stances and complete alignment – there are a good deal of degrees and that is where it gets wonky.

Some days I can roll with loving and ‘accepting’ a naivete, ill-turn of phrase, comfortable perceptions, and even a bit of tone deafness. But there are days when it is too much, and someone, whom I work with and that PAYS me, comes out with something a bit or a lot off, and I buckle. Experience has made me pretty stellar at not reacting. I do, however, smother down a bit of reaction baggage, taking it with me and causing a bit of moral constipation. Also, there are a good deal of times when a client is wronged. Knowing that is the case can be part of their maturation and alertness. Thus, in the time that they share the instance it may not always be appropriate to layer on my assessment – a coach/client relationship is not to be one of emotional dictatorship. My role is to ask questions and encourage reflection. As sweet as that reads, it can call for a good deal of holding back.

I do that well, and too - I don’t. Having the reputation, of which I am proud, of straight-shooting is NOT the same as telling a body how to think. However, with longstanding clients at certain places of growth I do ‘call it’ and ask questions later. A wise and sometimes a really lousy call. The result is, at best, a cause for fast-paced trust and, at worst, defensiveness – from us both towards the issue and, in a few cases I can recall, the experience of coaching and each other.

Regardless, when the session ends, a happy time or something we close as a large for small discord hangs between us, and I am left to my own conscious and reflection. After a good deal of self-flagellation or celebration, those being relatively short-lived indulgences, there remains the din of feeling. That is easier to wear when it is a ‘Mama Bear’ growling on my client’s behalf. On the other forementioned side – when a client says or acts in session in a way that angers and pains me - it is hard. Really hard. Not like a parent of friend, but a person I have earnest affection for being or doing so in a way challenging to compartmentalize.

Last night I came home from the office and ripped the AirPods from my husband’s ears so I could properly bemoan. Robert NEVER hears of my day – home is home and work is where the resume lives. Likely bemused by the novel experience, Robert was quiet. Ruefully chopping parsley and nodding at the proper places. He did not lend “advice” (bless him!) and (sorry, to say) the experiment made no impact. I could not, have not yet, shaken the feeling of irritation and quandary of how to proceed.

Do I have a new boundary to set?
Is this a place to “quit”?
Why does “quitting” feel less scary than confronting?

All awful feelings and super-binary, huh? What about a new arrangement? What about my explicitly or implicitly making myself less a catch-all and better adept at not assumption making? Add to that – I could bring it up. I could say, nope. Say, “it still sits with me that you said….” Or ask if they are aware of the impact of…? Inquire if they were or able to pick up or presume why I might be thinking on and talking of that specific whatnot?

Now, I say to myself, how does that rank on the fear and aversion scale?

So here is my pickle, but let us move beyond that – to where we began: with redefinition of a relationship and that thing I SWORE I was so good at: trust. Intimacy, demonstrated as a hurdle just above, is the trusting infinity. Putting down cash on the thought that a union could be more than conventional, blind execution but a way found anew - newly and new again as needed for both parties.

What if I gave more room to clients speaking on what they are receiving from our work by offering that same generosity to them in sharing my own sentiments? What if we both learned something and - here we go – that a coming together can come together well in BOTH agreement and discontent?

Say: I need space. I will not refrain from. That hurts. I am not heard. As much as that has been the practice it can no longer be. I have changed, and therefore so have we.

Ask: Did you know that? Is there variance? How can we include room for disagreement into our dialogue?

And also, know that walking away is either two things: a cop out, or just. And that thing: trust – that is all that can steer between either action and the innumerable outcomes thereafter….