Worse Case Better Best: You don't choose your Yoda
Aka Your Nightmare Boss/ Most Regrettable Hire, Nastiest Client, Most Manipulative Colleague are your greatest teachers …
They got your number, on speed dial.
My first assistant was a nightmare. Not totally, but yes, mostly. As a human, she like each of us was and is in deep process, as a business person and administrative aide - train wreck. I won’t get into the blow by blow, as, in truth, and with over a year between her exit and this post, it is clear the fault was more than mutual.
That all said - she, and my memory of our time together, taught and continues to teach me so much. As I raced to please clients, my first assistant (a/k/a ExAss) would bark (no joke) at me to schedule time of greater or equal priority to address my business, branding, and creative content. She nagged me to wrangle my schedule, get a Square or other app to streamline client booking.
ExAss planned the seed of a Coaching Group - now LIVE and successful as Impossible Business; she offered the wisdom of remote events, webinars, and more writing. All that I enjoy and benefit from - literally and spiritually.
Would I have come to those happy conclusions on my own? They are not so out of the box nor revolutionary. But why slam a success? Whatever the source, yeah?
It is not just the ideas - the thesis that I was running harder for clients than I would EVER do for my own work, her angry commitment to reminding me (unkindly) of that, was (ill delivered) but true. I was, and have in more than a few many relationships, given too much real estate to the desires of others. Tossing Tracy under the bus. Being the “good girl”, the peachy-keen, Pollyanna, Stooge. My professional branding, social media, menus, administrative operations were slipshod at best. All the while I coached and coaxed others to “get it together” (as we feminist business people did before the dawn of the decade - single minded and exclusionary, inappropriately aimed at “hustle” over quality). Well and best meaning, but…sigh...fraudulent, however you slice it.
Add to that - a client melt down that greeted me right before the Holidays. The Twin (as I will call her) purchased my full package month after month since the Spring, Full service access - career and personal coaching. We talked (ad nauseam) each week - meeting at least twice, texting and emailing constantly. She sought another job; she made little progress. Her partner, parents, cousins, sister, friends...she filled my ears with gossip and I never cut her off. It was nonsense; I knew it. She misunderstood my services, and I let her.
It was...yes, financial. Not totally, though. It was more about my insecurity and inadequacy. Being needed was more essential than being useful. Her “need” was my business manager. I am not proud of this. I allowed myself to be exploited BY MYSELF. The Twin was only a tool.
The shit hit the fan, when, faced with personal tragedy, she turned on me. A death in the family, and ill treatment by relatives had her angry, lonely, wounded, and financially (there is the crux!) shy. Late December she skirted an invoice, showed up at my office proposing the worthlessness of my service, making a scene, leaving, coming back, saying a last word, and another - just one more thing… it was terrible. Really. Not only sad, but humiliating, and - you wanna talk anger?! - well “hello!”
Initially I was lambasted, BSed, bothered, ballin’ (WHO THE FUCK DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?!). Weary, wounded, whiplashed. I called my friends, husband, current right hand pal (the ExAss’ replacement). All feelings as valid as those of The Twin, sure, but long coming that fall. How else was I to learn that easy green can be a giveaway of trouble. The customers that seek to mold you to being the provider they desire are no less criminal than the services so swayed.
The Twin wanted a Fairy; I wanted funds. I pimped myself. She paid up. The night got ugly. Took a while, but there it was.
You know what? I miss her. I miss that client, I like her. As much as I liked my ExAss. They were at times as flattering as they were punishing. They disagreed, I contorted. I defended, suggested, accepted. Challenged not them nor myself. Spend money, paid money, learned nothing until the face plant of relationship failure fell hard, bruises and all.
These two women are great teachers - custom fit made to my deficits. There are a lot more - the lawyer client who yelled at me, but recommended me to so many other wonderful people I work with well. The boutique owner I worked with in my 20’s who drank on the job. The Clairvoyant I fired for thievery who accused me or racism while managing a Bar.
Each character has a card in the Tarot of my personal growth appetizers. The stories are funny, but the lessons are the most ripe. Each one says - what are you going to Doggy Bag Ms Bullock? The meat or scraps? The denial or the lessons. I always tell my clients - because it is true! - that we learn little, left to our own devices, in the lows and highs. Extremes are so blinding, we are un kindly protected from the information as to the whats and whys of the inciting stimuli.
Thus, as with a job interview - for a less romantic association - intensity deserves a debrief. For one, my instinct is to run from negativity. You do me wrong, I am heading out. I ghost from partners, bad bosses, friends that say a slant thing. End game being I get older, carrying with me no wisdom or understanding of why things don’t workout. Stop the madness, the clock, the treadmill. As the music gets louder - the feelings sharp - take note of what you are reacting to. What has your panties in such a bunch? You’ll find the pattern, perhaps not obvious, but like a symphony there is a through-line to ineptitude and grievance as there is to joy and pleasure.
Funny thing, this etymology will likely bring a bit of affection in its wake. When we dive into our own waters with earnest curiosity, wonder greets us. Intellectual, applicable understanding starts and ends with empathy - the most active of human experience.
