#askTracy: How to follow up?
And preserve your some semblance of decent self esteem.
It’s supposed to be personal.
Because if it wasn’t, we would never have begun in the first place.
Hi all,
This week, I’m breaking up the glorious - and yet dense - space of recovery and surrounding conversations, and before going into further topics for co-contributions:
Why not do an #AskTracy?
Answer:
There is no reason not to, so here we go…
How should I follow up? Can you provide framing for addressing former clients, hot leads that have gone cold, ghosters, post-interview next-step info seeking (well, duh?!), dates that dropped off, and everything in between that gets our goats that humans do.
I get this question or, rather, type of question, a lot. Why? Because a lot of ‘work’ is like ranching. (Or so I imagine it from endless reruns of Dallas viewed on TNT during the 90’s. If you don’t know what Dallas is, I insist that you stop now and do yourself a healthy Google.) Loyal curs that we are, we circle and swarm around a field scape of customers or hiring managers our very livelihood depends upon. All that running about is a Hell of a workout and there is no guarantee that any food shall come forth.
Sure, I could tell you how to write email subjects that are sure to be opened, or formulas for producing relevant content updates to produce engagement, all that stuff DOES matter; however, when it comes to your feelings, none of those efforts can assist. Chasing and following up and keeping it perky and knowing that as deft as communication is, no one may give a shit. They may not have time or interest. They may have contacted you on a whim or lark and now, in greater sobriety and distraction within the rest of their lives. We do that. I mean, I sure do. I get hella distracted by offers or what ifs at one moment and then return to my day-to-day rigor when I see that my one-time want does not speak to my actual interests nor means.
That can be embarrassing.
It can be embarrassing to have honestly wanted to, have the desire drop off, and be called out on it by the person who earnestly offered the service for which I authentically expressed interest. They need me to want to ‘do it’ and I just don’t, but I did and that is mixed messaging and I don’t like being a mixed messenger. This happens to our leads. This is the furthest thing from “it’s not you it’s me-ness” there is.
Add to that, it is uncomfortable to interview someone you are impressed with, via email and interview, and learn that you really, like humanistically, like them and believe them to be a high quality professional BUT you:
Don’t think they will be a good fit for the company;
Know upper management won’t gel with the possible hire;
See the applicant has the skills and personality to enhance a lot of teams, but there is too much crossover with current persons on the team;
Are told only moments before from a person higher up than you that someone else has already been hired! Your day did not offer proper time to cancel, or you could not come up with the language to do so, OR have hopes (because the candidate looks to be so dope) that there will be another place you can place them. And, whoops, there isn’t;
Like the candidate and you, even though you work there, don’t like the company. This could mean you don’t want another good person to get sucked in and/or that you are punishing the organization by not hiring a good person. (You know this is not the most mature thing, but you are still doing it…)
Know you or they bombed the interview, i.e. you double-book or are distrated or they’re a great person, with a stellar CV and they just fuck up the interview. It happens, you get that, but the mutual experience of embarrassment is too much for you to know how to come back from nor redeem.
Realize that it just didn’t go well: the candidate is ill- equipped; there is pressure to hire and/or you have little experience in doing so, and don’t know that you should or are supposed to get back in touch, most especially when there is no positive info to share.
With the above, and all the other numerous reasons there is a touch base failure by a body you need to talk to YOUR body to keep you swinging, and the rent paid, it is OK to get mad.
I actually encourage you to get mad. For when we are mad, we can’t feel as sorry for ourselves as we can when we are down. Mad is up. In the pits and sad is below. AND once we get angry we can let in ideas such as: This person is failing me. They are. They are not just failing you, they are failing the energetic exchange that is communication itself. And you have, too.
We all know what it is like to fall off the touchbase - in personal and professional senses. Sometimes there are a lot of reasons for that, and sometimes it just happens. What can redeem us in those spaces and what might redeem those kinds of instances of occurring to us is loving (Oh yes, I am going there!) oneself beyond and even in that misaction and knowing that takes a lot of maturity. Maturity that the person, interviewer or possibly client (lover?!) might not be practicing nor that is available to them here, now, or ever.
It helps not to hate immature persons or persons acting without insight or self awareness. But we can step away from them. We can love them. And we can teach them. We can even do all three.
That shakes out as letting it go. Holding them in that space and reflecting back what is happening between you. Or inspiring them to do so differently in the future as the impression that their discourse abandonment offers is less than they might like.
As with most things that go down here at SDYD - the question’s answer begins as heady, and, if we think on that, and allow it to be so, we come to this: what one might do. One might speak to it and allow it to be.
Ex)
“Hey there, it was super great to speak recently, and thank you for reviewing, as I assume you have, my emails following that.
Looking forward, do feel welcome to get in touch at any time, no secret that I would appreciate a choice to do so; however, if a decision not to reply is where things are at, so be it.
Whatever comes forth from our connection, I am happy to have spoken and remain interested in the points we discussed.
Be well and, here again, thank you for reading.”
Do you see that there? Do you know what: It is me feeling like I have closed vs leaving it as left open waiting on the wall, by the wallflowers and next to the other damsels seeking to be chosen and replied to. You can call it out. Tie up the knot and move on vs leave a thing hanging. Wanting to hear back is not desperate and someone not replying is not powerful. It is selfish and awkward and weird to not do so, to not let someone know you are complete in your communications. We can love and empathize when folx do, and we can also lovingly point out that they are seen. Those left hanging have the right to acknowledge it is happening and also ARE BIG ENOUGH TO CALL IT.
Appropriate anger and mobilized annoyance are fantastic, fantastic things.
Now, you try and hit me back as to how it goes!
