Do it Different?!
Vs Do it Better
Why would you think that…
That you never ever?
That you are always as such?
Can’t?
Can?
Don’t?
Want?
Never?
Always?
You are invited to answer, but really I am talking to myself about the above. Talking to myself in my mind in the semi-dark, half way through whatever the red wine recommendation that was offered by the very attractive employee in this ever-new establishment, which is delightfully close to my apartment. It is a weeknight. I just told my friend, “we never do this enough”, and she says, “so true!” And we mean it, we really do, because do we ever? Do we ever get together enough? No. How could we?
How could we get together as much as we want when we are constantly obligated to so many of the things, like jobs and other relationships and expenses that we chose, but do so burden our schedules as it now feels. Now feels, right now feels, as I am here, sitting here and sipping, and so happy to be, but still tired, or maybe hungry, or perhaps both or dehydrated (?) or none of that or all of it. That I am so enjoying exactly what is going down but also would very much prefer to be home alone, not talking or wearing shoes or listening or caring about anyone at all, or what they have been up to or how they are to celebrate something or the other or dealing with and the like.
However, my friend, if I take a moment to leave the vacuum of my insolar consciousness, is saying something that is pretty profound. She is saying how she was unhappy. She is saying she is no longer so blue. And now, as I nod and sip a bit more, she is telling me that she did this: She asked herself if what she thought was true was and she found an answer and it was (in my words) not so much.
OK, that sounds deeply esoteric, and maybe it can be, but also it need not be. See, here, look at it like this:
Is fluoride really so bad?
Oh Hell yes, right? I mean that is the truth I hold as, well, a truth. I think I read online, deep in the time I think we all admit to where “herbs” and “natural” and “no-poo” became add-on phrases and assumptions to sell a lot of products that are distinctly NOT natural or organic. I, like I am betting you, did a lot of googling about charcoal and detox and how deodorant is like, actually killing me at this very moment.
During that time I was diagnosed with a particularly unpleasant chronic series of autoimmune conditions (that is plural, baby!) and, I bet this may not be unusual for folx in similar situations, it was hot to take back some agency in my body. Finding that your body is doing things that not only that you don’t have choice in nor control of, but that they suck and hurt and the only things you are being, conventionally, told to aid also suck is super-humbling. That is a nice word for it. Let us instead say: buzz kill.
So, YES, I did Google less invasive tools I could choose and discover and learn about. Here we come to fluoride. Fluoride, I read somewhere (God help me if I could ever recall the source), can cause inflammation. Oh, no! Inflammation is like the Lex Luther to the Superman of gut health so - be gone fluoride!
That truth - a true truth or a comfort truth or both together - I hold as a safety blanket of choice. Thus, I examine and propose this ‘inflammatory’ example because, yes, I can surely do re-research as to the problems or muteness of fluoride, but what I am really seeking the take away to be is to unpack the ‘why’ of the need to cling to. I.e. what it means, which is the meaning itself, a very straight forward ‘this’ or ‘that’ kind of thing; but also what the truth serves within the (my) larger truth within the world and my own identity.
Thus is my take on my friend's conversation as the speakers tipped louder and the crowd got cooler, all just in time for the hour to grow later and my tummy, most definitely this time, became more growly. What we carry through our lives in terms of world-building or narrative continuity at first arms, but too, can come to burden. My friend was speaking to, and so she said very specifically, thoughts about herself. Thoughts and beliefs as to who she is, her limits and capabilities. Her unhappiness came from an orientation and self-stereotype that had become a kind of cage. A row of iron bars between her and her wants. It was no longer doing any good to keep at it or try harder, whatever opportunities might abound were beyond utilization for her, despite the actual difficulties that exist externally, she found herself greeting them with her own internal ones, too.
I don’t know about that. It is her thing that she alone can speak to. What I do know is there is a thing here that tracks and is certainly not (don’t you dare!), victim blaming. No, rather it is re-reminding us of self-curiosity. A/k/a, “is that true?”
“What is the value of thinking that?”
“Do I even like this thing I do?”
“How do I feel about that?”
“Where did that come from?”
“Can I be OK if I look harder and in a more scrutinizing manner?” And “Can I be OK if that is not so?”
Oh, and “Do I like thinking that?”
“To what end does that serve?”
“Why do I choose ‘this’ vs ‘that’ interpretation?”
On and on and on and on.
For me - with the fluoride thing - it is pretty easy. What, for me, is harder is why I hold true that certain things must occur or patterns practiced to keep me safe and good and loveable. Very specifically about my routines and rituals, appearance, relationships, creativity, and so on.
All of that is a lot. Like, a lot a lot, but it keeps sticking with me. I have noticed that some of these concepts are really sticky, especially as I struggle with some new healthy things, some creative hiccups, and ideas to approaching aims not yet met. So, I’m trying to do the things and have the thoughts I rarely examine, just a little bit differently. If I can’t - such as keep randomly web searching while writing - why can't I, and pressing a bit on that.
You Homework - as you choose to accept it - is to do the same.
Think of a thing you are trying for, perhaps a habit or practice
Ask yourself why it is passing you by or being missed
Take your first answer: ex) I don’t have any discipline.
Ask: is that true?’
Hit me back and tell me what you find!
Xo
Tracy
