Standing still.

That’s right, the complete opposite of growth.

When nothing is happening.

OK, that is far from true, but rather it is that I don’t like how I am feeling.

 Dammit.

 Why is that?

 Well, it’s a lot of things.  We got allergies, migraines, and rent increases. And, of course, there is business and life, the money and ‘work’ side, as well as the reason that boring stuff is worth dealing with: the relationships.

 Those relationships aren’t just the people behind them; I’m also thinking about the me I am within them. There are all the cool ways they bridge into “personal”, and yet remain and expand into the “professional” and “professionally”. How those complexities are both an honor, fun, and a challenge. The effort, oh DAMN the effort. If we look at things operationally  - that is a Hell of a lot of effort.

 We have to remember both the facts and the ways of communicating. We have to be honest as well as kind.  We need to maintain ourselves and think of them. To earn a living from these relationships there is to be candor and clarity and the insane willingness to both walk away and be walked away upon.

 And then, there are our wants. My wants. And so: stagnation. 

 For my part (and I am writing so it's all my part) it would be a simpler post if here I rolled into how I am “bad at thinking of myself.” But that is not true. I kind of only think about myself. It is my go to mind-topic. What I am not always great with is being OK with speaking from that obsession/wisdom/truth for a RIDICULOUS concern that might not be welcomed. WHAT THE HELL?!  That is no kind of coaching?! I can’t allow my present, past, or future clients know such a thing?! That not only am I selfish but that I am selfishly ashamed about being selfish! Oh, and worst of all: that in my heart and depths of my soul I fear, and so act from that fear, and have shame about my own wants.

 OK, another turning point …..Here we could talk about shame. And, come now, aren't all conversations about shame in some sense ? (Yes. Yes, they are.) However, that is not where I am going, directly at least. What I am talking about is culture and the part we play in it.

 Roll with me:

 It is hard to do a thing alone without some form of social support. It is hard to question or imagine. It is a challenge to speak or ask. Even more staggering is it to change a habit - thought or otherwise. We can do it. It can be done. However, isolation does make it tricky.

 Now, we many times need isolation - being “watched” is not when I am speaking of. What I am getting at here (FINALLY, I know) is allowance. Imagine ‘allowance’ as a painting of a mind picture where a given person (me, you, them, all of us) is/are a sailing ship waiting for wind across the water to get wherever we are going. There can be paddling, and the earth does shift eventually, but wind, a breeze, anything that serves by way of going-forward encouragement would make the entire afternoon a Hell of a lot easier.  Sure, you can move along if the breeze doesn’t show. But… What if it wasn’t such a grind? And what if along the way there was a happy push along and it wasn’t so goddamn hard? Well that would be great wouldn’t it. Well OK then, we have our answer, no?

 What of that?!

 What of someone (or some many ones) doing it too, living, even thriving doing something we are bound up about trying ourselves? Well, that would be amazing! Not always possible, but if it was…well, Hell. Oh, and you know (because I do though I don't practice listening to that wisdom as often as would be best) how that starts - it is by someone doing it. It is by one human and other humans and more so doing it after that and again and again and so forth. That is the way when one, and so many of those we have not met and may not ever meet, can be eased to getting through a trickiness, a try and edge towards  - you read it - growth.

 And that is NOT it! Oh HELL NO! Everytime we do the thing we desire allowance for, or forget we have witnessed allowance for previously, we offer allowance to another and so a culture is furthered.  A better culture. A culture I very much want to be part of and fear/forget/am afraid may not actually exist. It does. To think of oneself and ask for … well anything: payment, more time, a break, participation, less time, to be talked to, to be left alone, and any other thing, may not get us that want  - BUT it will let those you know, those you might, and everyone in the damn universe know, that it is cool to do that. It is great to, alright to, and, yes, allowed. That practice of seeking and asking can be well applied to most anything, and furthers an understanding within oneself as well as within things at large that that is to be done.

Here is where I am NOT growing - you ready? Well, I’ll help remove the mystery - I am facefirst in some stagnation: I want but I don’t always … ask.

Seeking and not getting and seeking and receiving are so valuable experiences, on their own and within themselves. We learn AND … the world learns these are survivable things. All the results, as long as we have a resume of doing so, are not just livableable, but happy. For that - my dear end of blog readers - is the way others and so ourselves learn boundaries.

The blessed conclusion is this: the growth I am not feeling is less from not “moving” but from freely not requesting. CALLED OUT! And happy about that - for how the heck am I to learn if I don’t get a little frustrated and then, wonderfully curious?

Now, sit down, and let me tell you what I want …..