Domestic Violence

The most fatal accidents occur at home

I am not naturally or instinctually empathetic.

I am observant and insightful, but also impatient. And too much of a “fixer” to meet kindly with stagnation. There are many aspects of coaching I come to from a place of personal relation. For example: I (like my clients) over-schedule, start and don’t complete, take on too much, spread myself too thin, do too much, over-commit, under-charge – all the serial career hiccups.

Bring to my Zoom Room the following and my heart and head flip with the gymnastics of many personal and relatable stories. However, those who front with fear, bad boss baggage, procrastination paradoxes, and, self-diagnosed, lack of discipline, those folks hose clients I relate to less. And yet, may well be of more help to. 

The insight came to me this past Monday evening. Attending a national networking event, I found myself in a breakout group where three of the five participants used, repeatedly, my least favorite phrase to describe their current condition: Impostor Syndrome. 

(Can you hear me screaming? See the bald spot from the chunk of hair I just ripped out?!)

The event is a monthly meeting of female professionals, primarily business owners, to gather and swap intel. It’s a highly choreographed evening of chat back and question prompts and whatnot. Great, rewarding, and also eye rolling as these things are. I send personal texts, market myself, offer insight, shop online, and turn my screen off to get another glass of wine or pee – I am sure each of the attendees is and does the same.

Back to the breakout crew: The question we were tasked to discuss was flawed, that is a good deal of the trouble here; that being as it may, the group nonetheless devolved into a discourse of how the majority of the members were paralyzed on the cliff edge of  self-promotion. I became livid, like, immediately. 

That shit spins my beanie like you cannot imagine. No, it is not because I am fearless, or confident, bold, or brave at all – especially when it comes to looking out for “number one” or whatever. I am as lax as anyone, likely more so, when tending my own professional vineyard. My SDYD teammate can speak to that! I BEG for validation, am thirsty for encouragement, and will roll over like my sweet Bichon, Benedict, for a compliment. With complete honestly, I say:

I have stomach churning anxiety before each client meeting. 

Allow me to name the reasons:

·      I will forget some very important aspect of the person or work;

·      They will think my insight stupid;

·      There is something in my teeth I have not noticed;

·      My WIFI will fail.

You fucking name it!

We can keep going:

·      You hate reading this newsletter and blog.

·      Every client will quit

·      IG followers will exit

·      No one will ever hire me again

·      I will be social media hate bombed by some evil tech bot

·      I will lose my office space

·      I will never be published – all the interest has been and is a joke

·      The school where I teach will fire me – and my writing mentor hates my work (which I marginally think is true, BTW)

That is all so real and, like the fears of the folks in the Networking clutch, not to be ignored. Emotions are most informative, the bigger the more telling. Tune the dial into them. What I propose to you, as I did to them, why stop the discourse there? Why the HELL ever would what and how we do be hindered by fear? Because, you know what?! (Here is where I re-feel anger come to my fingers as I type. Returning to the ends of my empathy I kicked this post off with head shaking frustration and sadness.)  If the choice as to how and what action we take be ruled by only one aspect of information – i.e. emotion – then we are the dumbest fucking party-line voters.

You heard me: This is what is wrong with America. So sexed up are we for triggering stimulus, we react with insular and binary behavior. 

May I guide you, with patience not birthed of relatability, but of passion and impatience, aimed to arm you with expedience and agency?

I, nor any coach, can help with how you feel about anything. You are likely going to hate aspects of your work in a year of working with me as you did at the beginning, What I can guarantee is that they will be easier to navigate and manage.

There is an intimacy and exposure to marketing and professional, sales-oriented discourse. Whether it be in our “brand” or professional persona, or in an interview. Intimacy is rewarding and terrible. Can beget a big win and deep disappointment. Yet, there are pragmatic approaches to mitigating the rollercoaster, and staying alert and virile in all aspects of marketing discourse.

·      Commit before offering a client pitch, going into an interview, submitting an investor or accelerator application to maintaining a positive relationship and communication, no matter the outcome, and set an immediate plan to executing that.

·      Have the three top knowledge takeaways you aim for ready before engaging (note the distinction between “knowledge” vs revenue or sales)

·      Say: “Tell me more” to any feedback or opinion offered. Disagree? Say “interesting”.

·      Look back at your three worst hiring and manager experiences: Highlight for yourself words, phrases, and communication techniques these folks used – literally make a list. Each offer, email, description from a potential clients or company’s – comb through and see if there is cross over. Folks are how they speak. This is about learning and getting keen on (not “your” but) the triggers and tip offs. 

This is only a beginning to hone your skills as, what I call, “shopping” vs “accepting” commercial and economic engagement. Focus (repeat here as it is essential and imperative) on growth and skill building vs reacting. Have something to come back to and evaluate despite and even in the feelings.

Very last, I do wish to spend attention on a small discussion about how when we seek permission, even implicitly, we will find it. If there is a desire to pause your job search or go no further in your business, whether or not that is something you have voiced, it is valid. Yet, before space is made for it, you may well find yourself being “afraid” as a means to not moving forward. You do not have to continue in any give trajectory. But, yet again, the fear may be a tactical signaling to that aim. Please, if at all possible, give space, even if at first arbitrarily, to all options. Stated “fear” is likely a white flag waived saying “get me out of here!” My question is; Do you seek release because it is a wrong fit or because it is new?

Know your emotions but do know they alone are not reason for an action nor an exit. SDYD repeat time: All information is good information.

Growth is a vetting process.