#askTracy: I just can’t shake this feeling …
That everything comes back to this.
You don’t have all the information.
Hey there!
In this week’s #AskTracy, a dear client (and friend!) asks something that could NOT be better timed. As in, the answer came up in just the session before I received the ask. Funny how the kismet of coaching can work, no?
OK, let us live no longer in the dark - the question that comes my way this week is this:
What is a helpful tip you’ve received from a coach or mentor? Was it easy to implement?
Thanks so much and HERE we go! (read on)
I have talked to a lot of you that are stellar enough to join me in session and at our meetups that I was a Birth Worker for a bit and for a longer bit worked within a community of Birth Workers by way of business building, education, and support. I can, and often do, go on and on as to the benefits of and generosity of this stellar opportunity.
Earnestly learning about, training in, and providing Birthwork and related support to persons and families should be (so I say!) as mandatory as voting in the primaries.
Why? Because it makes you better via humility imbued not by demand, as so many trainings, from higher education to the performing arts, follow, but of love and wonder. There is a lot of learning and understanding to take on in a birth arts education, but too, one gets a deep dive into that all of that memorized whatnot can and could not at all apply depending on all the intractable factors at play. It is a bit about being the expert of ‘I have no idea’ and ‘anything can happen’. AND that above all is the most important thing - the thing that will keep you steady and of value and essential is this:
Your job, your only job, is to invite the feelings and instill the choices that come a family’s way. In a highly dynamic time, in the sweating and the ‘what ifs’ and the sensations and worry and joy and innumerable possibilities of what could, and is, and might go down and all that is to come following that.
Yup - just be the “Cassandra” - the one that speaks the news that comes forth and the options to be taken therein. Like a media and candor conduit.
We could say this requires ‘non judgement’ but I instead propose you MUST judge. Be very judgeful, on behalf of the birthing party and persons they chose to be part of that time. So, yeah, judge by their self-assigned values and wants and comforts. Bare from your scabbard the sword that will slay anyone who desires to keep them from clarity and context or co-op their choices.
In my time as a fearful infant Birth support provider, I had a mentor who gave me phraseology that speaks to exactly the above reader inquiry:
You never have all the information.
Is there a choice or a request? An observation made? A feeling or practice that strikes you a certain way? Before you go down that road in a way that corrupts the noble service you seek to offer, do this:
Have an honest option
Ask if abuse is occuring (as what constitutes abuse is super-specific and pretty linear)
If it is not: is your opinion or reaction too strong to prevent you from being truly present and of assistance as an advocate to your clients?
Remember - above all - regardless and considering the above:
YOU NEVER HAVE ALL THE INFORMATION.
To the question - I think about that so often. How even though a client’s approach or reaction or interpretation or aims hit me in a certain way, I don’t have all the information. And, just as in doula work, my role as a coach and business owner is not to get all those knowledge nuggets. Nope, that is some kind of career or life detective work job that I don’t have. Rather, I am to slaughter that false-headed lamb and rather, listen and seek to experience how the client works and what they need to get them where they want to be. Give them guidance therein, track the sustainability of the pursuit of their aims, and be honest as to my observations. Mirror back the client’s stated needs as you go, reflect those with them and for them by way of inviting changes in the steps and picture, inform hope towards reality with a loving nod towards wants and dreams.
There is a lot of shit that comes from the ‘gig’ structure of work for oneself. People are mad wack. They act weird or interested and flake and get pushy or ghost and give you feedback that is not kind or real or worthwhile. You can experience being a punching bag because you are or perceived as being needy and money hounding.
On the flip side, they can be great and generous and thoughtful. They can appreciate and think of you. Finding you touching and wise when you feel extra imperfect. Sing your praises and build your success.
The adage of that wonderful trainer I met in my doula study applies in every aspect of my days and work today. It allows me to weather weirdness and confusion. Low personal esteem, personalization of my work, and pride.
I can have my read and feelings, but too, I know that however strong those are - I never, never, never have all of the information. So yeah, it could be about me, something else entirely, OR (more likely) a cocktail of both.Whatever the case: I never have all the information. Willnot, could not, and want not.
You most awesome question asker and other readers - I do so hope this helps and offer both a helpful adage and window into this silly human right here.
Lastly, pop your inquiry HERE and you’re up!
In honor and service
Xo
Tracy
